If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You Might Also Like
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I missed you with all my darts
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t