It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Best spot.. 😅
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.