[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him