me opening up to someone
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Smells like a challenge to me
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?