“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You Might Also Like
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*seductively eats two tums*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….