Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”