Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Just had my nails done!
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat