I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I love art.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE