What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: