My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.