Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Wait a second…
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.