i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
doing your own taxes
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.