Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR