Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
my sentiments exactly
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*