Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Breaking news:
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had