The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My Plans 2020
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’m awake but I object,