My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.