Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Favourite diary entry ever