I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.