Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me