*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Peace was never an option
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves