A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.