[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”