His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?