the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅