When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day