5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too