Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
When you’re here for the treats.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
😲 WTF? 😆
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay