You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.