The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.