Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Goat cheese is for herders.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
reminder
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me