I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
181.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Okey dokey.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.