Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Whoa 😂
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest