I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I only eat vegetarians.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet