*pronounces patio like ratio
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I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve