guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I had to Stop for this
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My therapist after every session
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)