me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
12. I think about this all the damn time
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.