You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.