Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
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me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.