Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
🤣🤣
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store