It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.