My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!