If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.