Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Reporter: *ports again*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
#Caturday
Please do it!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.