Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?