Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.