i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
You Might Also Like
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Usage Guidelines
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one