Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Tough love is true love
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.