I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Body by Oreos
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭