aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.